


And the Walls Kept Tumbling Down. Confession part two.

by Babel_Fish



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Radio 1 RPF, Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Sex, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phanfiction, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-14 13:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1268371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babel_Fish/pseuds/Babel_Fish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting where 'Confession' left off  will have a few chapters.  Dan realises he's made the worst mistake of his life and is desperate to try and talk to Phil, to somehow make it up to him.  Phil wants Dan so much it's almost destroying him, but it's too soon, he doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive the shock and pain he's been through.  Can their relationship be saved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And the walls came tumbling down

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to the people who asked me to write a follow up :) Especially piKle who left some lovely reviews.

Phil woke with the now familiar jolt, gasping for air coming up from swirling depths of icy near vacuum intent on claiming him for its own. He lay in the once soft warm welcoming embrace of his bed momentarily disorientated trying to steady his mind and breath. Normally the moments after waking were a pleasantly woozy time, warm, half awake, snuggling with Dan or just enjoying a few more moments of womb like comfort before embracing the world. There was no comfort here in their bed now, just another reminder of a familiar shape missing from his life. 

Shafts of sunlight traced a path from tiny gaps in the curtains illuminating the forever present tiny dust motes, which Phil had always insisted were fairies, or spies from another dimension depending on his mood. Now they just reminded him of the way Dan rolled his eyes and laughed when he talked about them, everything reminded him of Dan. 

He took a deep breath threw off the covers leaving them where they fell and made his way to the kitchen. Tomorrow was Sunday, how he was going to be able to face seeing Dan and work with him, pretending that nothing had happened he didn't know. He did know that the beta blockers that his GP had prescribed were helping to quell the most obvious physical signs of the panic, anxiety and sickness he felt. 

The light on his phone flashed, he'd turned off the audible text alert it had too many associations with the cheerful texts he and Dan would send back and forth when they weren't together. Phil glanced at it and saw a text from Dan scroll along the top bar. He got the gist of it. “I'm so sorry Phil, I never meant to hurt you the way I did... I'm young... I'm dumb ...Please let me help...” blah blah blah Phil finished the text in his head. He hadn't actually opened any of the texts yet, and he probably wouldn't. Seeing anything from or about Dan made his stomach twist into a pretzel, and made his heart feel as if it was being torn apart by a big grizzly bear. Which it kind of was. 

This time his phone rang, PJ, and this time Phil picked it up. It had been a week since he posted his confession video and he hadn't spoken to anyone since then, not even his family who were now threatening to beat down his door if he didn't get in touch soon. “Hi Peej”. 

“Jesus Phil, thank god I was starting to think you'd jumped off the roof or something, were you there when I called around yesterday... and the day before, and the...”. 

“Yes I was here” Phil cut in before PJ could list all the occasions he'd called over and got no answer. “I'm so sorry Peej, I really couldn't face talking to anyone. I haven't even been on the internet other than to watch things to take my mind off my life. I really don't want to see what people have been saying at the moment”

“Can I come over? Upshot is people have been quite nice, there has been the odd outburst from overprotective Dan fans but we expected that. On the whole people's hearts have gone out to you”

Phil sighed and took in a deep shaky breath. He was glad people had generally reacted well, but he didn't want pity, and he didn't want to read any messages that had 'his' name in them, he was trying very hard not to think about him. He'd been able to avoid the last radio show and his live show this week by 'going on holiday with his family'. Everyone close to him knew that he was really just at home living on cereal and wandering about in his pjs. “Yes Please, it would be good to see you Peej, I think I'm ready to.. I need to see another human being now”.

PJ was there faster than Phil expected, he forgot that despite having a base with Sophie and the rest of his 'crew' PJ really was at Chris's more than he wasn't. 

“Dear god Phil have you showered since I was here last”

“Um... no, I don't think so.... Have you seen him Peej?”

PJ's bright eyes seemed to cloud for a moment, his hands going up to his hair as if the action could clear his mind, help his brain formulate the right words.

“Yes, he came over to Chris's two days ago, he said he'd tried to come over and see you when you didn't respond to any of his calls, emails, texts etc but that you didn't answer and his key didn't work”

Phil's face took on a look which should have been a smile, but looked closer to tears, a broken face trying to form a shape it had forgotten. “Yeah, I had the locks changed, I decide that I couldn't go on living with him when he came home reeking of 'her', being all light hearted as if nothing had changed... could you tell him if he wants his stuff it will be outside the door at 2pm on Thursday, if he's not there to collect it tough, whoever's passing can take it”.

As Phil spoke there was an emptiness to him, his face was blank and his body was still, as if the words were issuing from a mannequin. Even the effort to speak and move made him hurt inside. The stillness usually seemed to protect him a little from his own rising tide of emotion. He'd hoped that the grief would subside, and he would start to move through the stages of loss, he knew he needed to if he was going to get over this. His heart had other ideas though, instead of feeling less raw, he was becoming a bloody mess of skinless flesh, nothing was right, nothing made him smile, and nothing could make him forget.

They'd been talking as they mounted the stairs, standing in the hallway outside the lounge the light from the doorway seemed to highlight Phil, making his blue eyes bluer, and his skin take on an almost ethereal quality, he looked almost insubstantial, quite a feat for such a tall guy PJ thought. 

Noting a panicky desperate look cloud his friends eyes PJ moved closer, wrapped one arm around his shoulders, and used the other hand to cradle his head and guide it to his own shoulder, rocking him like a child. Whispering words of comfort. “It's ok, there there, we love you, you aren't alone, you have a great family who are there for you too”. All he got back for his trouble at first was a muffled guttural wail “but none of you are Dan!”. Phil didn't cry, he just shook, breaths coming fast and deep, a panic attack that was too intense to react verbally or physically to, everything faded out and it was just the fear, the need to run away, just to run to do anything, but he couldn't. He just let PJ hold him while he tried to ride out the intense emotion and feeling of fear, loss, grief and anger that were ripping through him like an iceberg through the Titanic. 

This was not good, PJ rocked Phil and held him as if he was trying to hold him together, slowly he guided him into the lounge, holding his arms as he lowered them both to sit on the sofa, Phil immediately clung to PJ again as if he was a life jacket in choppy seas. Memories of Phil and Dan together played in PJ's minds eye Phil had been so happy then, he thought Dan had been too. Dan had always been more fickle than Phil, more changeable but he'd always loved Phil or so they thought. When he'd turned up at Chris's looking sheepish and embarrassed he'd had to send Chris out of the room to calm down. Chris's first instinct had been to punch Dan, and as Chris was not normally a physically violent person it betrayed the depth of anger he felt at his friend.

PJ felt physically hot, and twitchy, as he rocked the friend that was literally falling apart at the seams in his arms. He wrestled with the dilemma of whether or not to tell him what Dan had begged him not to until he could tell him face to face. 

A small muffled voice issued from the vicinity of his shoulder, “how did he look? What did he say? Did he mention me?”

“He looked ok, got another leather shirt he's looking more 'village people' every day”

Phil chuckled, damn if that wasn't the best sound in the world. 

Warm hands moved to Phil's shoulders and held him at arms length, he looked into PJ's concerned eyes and managed a smile, and was surprised to feel relief maybe the grief was finally 'breaking'. PJ pulled him in for a swift crushing hug, slapped him on the back and instructed him to get his stinky self into the shower while he made them coffee and bacon and eggs.

As the hot water coursed over him, he felt that he was being cleansed internally and externally. He wasn't over anything yet, he doubted he ever would be completely. Even the sounds of PJ clattering about in the kitchen brought back memories of happy domesticity with Dan, but the feelings didn't overwhelm him and make him run for the toilet to throw up or dry heave as they would have done earlier in the week.

Hearing Phil chuckle had given PJ hope, but he still didn't know whether to tell Phil about Dan. The arse hole had come to his senses apparently. After watching the video he'd packed up the few things he had at Jen's place left her a note and headed off, back to Phil, or so he'd hoped. Finding the doors locked and unable to get in he'd come to them asking if he could stay for a few days. PJ didn't know whether he was more disgusted at Dan for what he'd done to Phil or by the fact that he'd dumped his girlfriend in such an ungentlemanly way too. No wait, definitely more angry at him for what he did to Phil, but there was no need to treat the girl so shabilly, it wasn't her fault. 

He was one of their best friends but they were not giving him an easy time over what he'd done. As he cooked he pondered over whether to let Phil know yet. Dan felt what he wanted to say would come better from him, but Chris thought they should give Phil a heads up. He paced the kitchen more than was strictly necessary for the simple preparation of bacon and eggs. Deep in thought he nearly dropped the kettle when his phone started to buzz in his pocket, it was Chris.

“Hi.... slow doooownnn... No, … no, well the poor man's in bits, there wasn't a moment that seemed right to blurt out your ex wants you back.... Oh shit, right... I get you now... tell him he can't...He needs to wait...Ahh! God that boy's a loose cannon”

“Peej?”..”Uhmm I'll ring you back”. PJ cut Chris off mid sentence and placed the phone on the counter next to the spatula. The eggs ignored and left to fry themselves hard and crispy as Phil stood at the kitchen door swathed in towels looking disturbingly like a druid, waiting for PJ to speak. PJ was clearly having trouble formulating a sentence as the seconds ticked by, so Phil decided to break the silence “So Peej, are you going to tell me what that was about?”. 

“Ok, but get dressed quickly and I'll tell you over a bacon sandwich, I think the eggs are screwed. You look as if you haven't eaten since I last saw you so no arguments Philip.” In only a couple of minutes the boys were seated in the lounge bacon sandwiches in hands. Phil was a horrible mixture of excited and bereft. Excited because Dan wanted him back? and god he wanted that so badly! it was all he thought about, but bereft, because he didn't think he should take him back. He didn't know if he could trust him again. 

“OK... right, umm, well Phil, here's the thing. Dan came to ours when he couldn't get in here. Please don't be angry, he asked to stay for a while, he's left Jen. He said that he had never and would never love anyone as much as he loves you and he's been an idiot. I'll tell you more about what he said later if you like, but there's no time right now. Because despite Chris practically nailing him to the floor he's on his way here, said he couldn't stand it any longer and that he had to see you, he knows I'm here so probably thinks I'll let him in.

Phil stared at PJ, open mouthed so quiet not even his breathing could be heard. He could never go through this pain again he didn't know if he would survive it a second time. He felt anger welling up inside him, how dare he think he could just waltz back in to his life, say sorry and it would all be ok. He was the best thing that had ever happened to Phil, he'd burst into his life like a whirlwind and they'd been swept away on a tide of love and mutual feeling about the world ever since. Until Dan did the unthinkable. Phil would have trusted him with his life and he'd betrayed him. He stood up knocking his tea over. Wiping suddenly sweaty palms against his trousers. PJ stood too hands half outstretched, he didn't know whether Phil was going to collapse, run or hit him. His eyes were wide and wild, his skin pale glowing now with flush of sweat that had sprung seemingly from nowhere, his mouth opened and shut several times as if to speak but no sound came out. 

“Phil? Talk to me, what do you want to do, are you ok?”  
Phil's voice came back, quiet, deep and determined.

“No! Peej, I'm not ok. Today was the first time I've smiled since he did this, and now he's messing with my head again. It doesn't matter how hard I try and build my walls back up, he comes in and knocks them back down again with a word. I love him Peej, so much it's hard to breath without him here. He was literally my whole life, I don't know who I am without him anymore”  
Finally tears started to spill, he didn't meet PJ's eyes but seemed to be focussed internally on memories, or feelings he couldn't articulate. He swayed a little his hands clenched into fists at his side. When he spoke again it was in a whisper.

“That's why I can't see him Peej, I'm not strong enough to face him yet. Fuck! I'm not going to be able to do the radio show again tomorrow either if he's going to be bringing this up.”

PJ breathed out deeply, sympathy and sadness etched in his face, he reached out a hand and took one of Phil's; just holding it for a moment as he poured out his fears.

“If I see him now and he says he wants me back I'll take him, I'll have him back in a heartbeat and I'll be happy, for the moment. I can't do that Peej, he might do it to me again, I won't be able to trust him, I don't know if I can forgive him but I won't be able to finish it I'm not strong enough. One look into those beautiful brown eyes and I'll be lost, I can't trust myself to say no, I can't let him back in”. 

“I understand Phil, what can I do?... is there anything I *can* do?....”

As PJ spoke Phil pulled himself together. He ran to his bedroom, their bedroom most nights when they'd been together, grabbed a holdall from under the bed and started throwing t-shirts, socks and pants in. PJ followed in his wake, trying to get him to talk. 

“Phil? What are you doing?”. Phil didn't answer straight away, focussed on speed, he moved to the bathroom, and with a clatter swept any products on the surfaces into a carrier bag and threw it into his holdall.

Turning to face a by now quite flustered PJ “Like I said Peej I can't risk seeing him, or even hearing his voice because all I want to do right now is feel him in my arms and never let him go”.

Phil took a few steadying breaths before continuing, walking as he spoke picking up a few things on his way through the flat. He grabbed a set of keys from the white shelves in the lounge, and pressed them into PJ's hand.

“Don't let Dan have these, don't even let him know they exist or he'll try and sweet talk you out of them. They're a spare set for the new locks. I want you to keep them... If you don't mind... I'm going to leave by the back door that opens into the garden ok Peej, I don't want to risk running into him on my way out.”

PJ could feel his pulse beating a rhythm in his neck, he was confused and worried  
“Why, umm what are you doing, where are you going, what do I tell Dan?”

“I'm leaving for a few days, don't worry I'm not running away forever, I just want to think for a while and I don't want to be worried about that big dork turning up on my doorstep every five minutes. I'm not sure where I'm going, probably just book into a random hotel.” 

“You don't have to do this Phil, he wants to talk to you and try and make it up to you, but if you don't want that Chris and I, and I'm sure your other friends too can try and keep him away until you're ready”.

“It's ok Peej, really, I just need to think away from everyone, I'm not sure what I'm going to do about the radio yet, I might phone in sick”.

As they talked they walked towards the back entrance. Phil was glad that their flat wasn't in a block, but a big old house split up into apartments. They had a garden if they wanted it and right now he was very grateful for the second point of entry and exit.

“I'm really sorry for leaving you to face Dan, you can come out this way if you like and just leave him to knock. He can't get in anyway”.

“I think I'd better be here Phil, if you don't mind, he was talking about going through the landlord to get a locksmith, because his name is on the lease too. He wasn't being a prick at the time, honestly. He was worried about you and wanted to make sure you hadn't done something stupid, but I want to talk to him so the idea doesn't take hold. So he doesn't think about doing that just to get in to see you”. 

“OK, thanks Peej, I guess I'll have to talk to him at some point about the lease, but I'm not ready yet”. 

Phil leant in and gave him a tight hug, letting out a heavy breath. PJ noticed that he was still trembling slightly.

“I don't want to see him right now, and I don't want him back..... actually if you don't mind could you tell him that if I want to speak to him I'll get in touch. I don't want him harassing me with phone calls, emails and stuff or so help me God I'll change every phone number and social media contact I have, and move away.”

PJ stood facing a very determined slightly dishevelled Phil, shocked by the complete determination his friend was displaying, he hadn't thought it consciously but he realised he'd kind of assumed that they would get back together. Even if Phil took time and made Dan suffer a bit first, but now he wasn't so sure.

“Well ok... I can't stop you, but you let me know that you're safe ok? Send me a text every day, even if it's only a text saying 'daily text as promised' or something. Just so I know you're alive … right phil!?”

“I promise, now I've got to go 'cos I'm sure it won't be long before he's here”.

PJ watched as his friend left the garden, it was a beautiful day for the time of year. Though the solitary tree in the garden was bare the sun splashed the branches with warmth and cast intricate patterns on the ground below. PJ turned his head upwards and closed his eyes enjoying the faint warmth against his skin. Even though the hustle and bustle of London was audible it felt very peaceful here. He sighed before entering the flat and locking the door behind him.


	2. I Need Your Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PJ can't accept a world without Dan and Phil, they still love each other. Even though he knows what Dan did was terrible he begins to understand a little of what was going through his head at the time. He tries subtly to act as a go between, will it help? A secret Phil had to hold for a little longer may have triggered Dan to panic, can Phil understand and put the past behind them and let Dan back into his life as he so badly wants to.

PJ stood in their little grey tiled bathroom and stared at his reflection, he wasn't really seeing himself but the events of the last few weeks playing in his head. He could never have imagined a day when Dan and Phil split up. Everyone thought they would be together forever they just 'fit'. The break up had sent shock waves through him, and through most of their friends. He loved both of the big dorks and wanted the best for them, and couldn't help but feel that being together despite mistakes, was still the best outcome for both of them. 

He ran the tap watching the silvery stream swirl around the porcelain and gurgle down the plughole before dipping his hands into the cold flow and splashing his face. That felt better, helped him clear his head somehow. Dan was taking a long time, the journey from Chris's to here by foot was only about twenty five minutes it had been forty already. A muffled melody rose from his pocket, he pulled out his phone before the ring tone had time for a second bar. 

“Hi Chris... Yeah I've got a lot to tell you, not sure when I'll be back depends on when Dan gets here, had he left already when you rang earlier?... Really! Well something's up he should have been here by now... yeah... I'll give him a ring. No it's ok, he might come back to ours...perhaps you should stay there...Thanks love”

Chris had wanted to come over, he could look for Dan on the way he reasoned and be there for moral support if and when he did arrive. Peej thought it would be better if he didn't, partly because he wanted things to stay calm. He needed to know what was at the root of the Dan's behaviour, he'd found something out recently that might be linked and if Chris was there he'd might lay into Dan verbally and put him on the defensive.

Why wasn't Dan picking up, what was the little shit up to now. PJ sighed in exasperation. After calling him three times in ten minutes he decided he wasn't going to sit around and wait. It was his own fault if no one was here if and when he arrived. PJ slipped his jacket on, and was adjusting the collar when his phone buzzed. A text from Dan. 

“Peej sorry for not answering. i got scared, been sitting in Starbucks, i'm outside now you still there?”

PJ opened the door, Dan was slumped a little, his clothes looking a little more crumpled than usual, his leather jacked seemed to swamp him. PJ hadn't noticed while Dan had been staying with them, perhaps he was too annoyed. Maybe seeing him everyday he didn't notice the slow change, but he realised that Dan had seemed off his food and hadn't eaten much at all since staying with them and it was starting to show. 

“Is he here?” Dan walked in and started up the stairs before PJ had a chance to stop him. His eyes scanned the flat as he passed each room. 

“He's not here Dan”

Dan turned to face PJ surprise and disappointment etched in his features, he walked slowly into the living room and slumped bonelessly down onto the sofa. His back curved and head hanging, arms resting on his thighs with his hands dangling limply between them. PJ pulled a chair over from the table to sit directly opposite him, reaching out to offer a light comforting touch on his shoulder. 

“What did you expect though Dan, Phil to run into your arms and shower you with kisses or something?” PJ winced a little remembering what Phil had said about being too weak to resist him, realising that that could easily have been what might have happened. 

“Is he OK? Where is he, he's gone out to avoid me hasn't he? Chris grassed on me didn't he, told you I was coming” 

Dan looked kind of broken, desperate even. 

“Yeah he did go to avoid you, and he won't be back later, so don't go thinking it's worth waiting. Even I don't know where he is, he said he wanted time on his own without you pestering him”

Dan looked more shocked than he had any right to

“Pestering!?.. Oh God is that how he sees it”. Dan's face was a picture of misery..

“Well of course it is Dan, you cheated on him, just fucking started playing away behind his back without even telling him you wanted a break or to break up, then you apparently change your mind and bombard him with messages and phone calls. He told me to tell you not to text him...”

PJ passed on Phil's message and saw Dan's face redden, the rims of his eyes already pink started to glisten, and his lips looked puffed and flushed. He seemed as if he was about to burst into tears, but managed to hold it back. He let out a loud broken groan.

“What the hell was I thinking Peej, I didn't love Jen, to be honest after the first week or two I barely liked her. She just wanted to date one of the DJ's I don't think it mattered to her who it was. I never fell out of love with Phil, I just got the stupid idea in my head that I needed to explore more options. Maybe I panicked when Phil started talking about house hunting, and getting somewhere nice for a family”. 

PJ cocked his head eyebrows drawn together, this was new, Phil had never mentioned anything about this to him, but it might link in with what someone else had said.

“I love kids Peej but hell no one even knows we're together for sure, let alone suddenly rocking up with a kid and new house in a good catchment area. I don't want kids Peej! Not yet anyway, I'm not ready. I'm only twenty two and our career is just really taking off. I guess maybe Phil's reached a point where he wants to settle down more firmly”.

Dan combed his fingers through his hair roughly, his face slowly draining of colour, but the apples of his cheeks still flushed and blotchy, almost feverish. He slumped back on the familiar sofa and stared at the ceiling trying to stop the burning tears that still threatened to spill from his eyes, almost panting with the effort of pulling himself together.

PJ stood up, hands on hips about to speak, he shut his mouth not quite knowing what to say, and marched over to the window. He placed his hands flat on the sill leaning down a little and stared out into the still bright afternoon light. Quietly he spoke.

“Sorry Dan I didn't know you guys were having issues about where you were in your lives right now. Phil never mentioned...”

Dan cut in

“I don't suppose he would, he denied that he was serious about it even to me. Just thinking about the future he said, distant future; but then I'd find him at two thirty in the morning browsing houses on right move with a tab open next to it of funny baby videos. The way he looked at little Darcy when Louise brought her over a few weeks ago was heart melting, but kind of scary too.”

PJ was beginning to understand why Dan had freaked out and acted so out of character, not that it excused his behaviour one bit.

“We've never even got a pet, though Phil really wants one. Because we're too busy and it wouldn't be fair having to leave it with friends or at a cattery/kennel when we're not around. How the hell would we manage a kid!”

“Did you bring it up seriously with him? Tell him how you felt?”

“Yeah, a couple of days before I met Jen, he said to trust him and not worry, that there was a surprise that would kind of explain things”.

“Did you find out the surprise?”

“No, we were busy with work, and then I met Jen, she was cool, and working in a recording studio she'd got to know a lot of musicians as friends. I guess I was a little flattered that she wanted me to get to know them too... “

Dan stopped talking for a moment, staring at the carpet, willing himself to carry on speaking

“At first I just thought we were flirty friends. Jesus what came over me! I don't even like socialising that much. I just want Phil. I wish I could just take the red pill and go back to my reality, cuddle up with him and mainline a season of Buffy, or have a cosy night in playing board games. I miss him, I miss our life. I'll do anything for him, I can't live without him Peej, I need his love. I know that now”.

PJ moved to sit next to his friend pulling him into a hug and leaving an arm around his shoulder, this was the first time he'd really listened to Dan, just shut up and let him talk instead of throwing angry accusations at him. He felt a little guilty about that, although he still thought Dan should have handled things very differently.

“Actually I think I might have a good idea what the surprise was, and if I'm right you didn't have a thing to worry about. You should know by now that you can trust Phil! I don't think he'd go all broody and not discuss it with you, I don't even think he actually would think about stuff like that unless you'd hit that point too. He's so attuned to you. All Phil wants is for you to be happy to the point where your friends think its creepily cute” 

“Poor Phil, I'm a fucking bastard” Dan lowered his face into his hands, squeezing his eyes tight shut pressing the heel of his hands against them as if trying to force the pain away.

“You know what you have to do don't you?”

“Is there anything I can do? he's run away just so he doesn't have to look at me, he hates me Peej, and I don't blame him”

“I think that being patient, and consistent followed by a damn big gesture might help”.

“Really! Like what!? hire a bloody plane to write I love you Phil, please take me back in the sky” Dan's voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Remember when he spent a fortune on you, taking you to that fancy restaurant and spoiling you rotten, just to show you how special you were to him. The video he made because he just couldn't not do something really special for valentine's day. Taking you to Las Vegas for your birthday, and so many more things. All big gestures Dan, I think he'd get it if you could think of something for him”

Dan stared at PJ, he might just be right. Nothing could be guaranteed but he had to try.

He sat straighter on the sofa, a new sense of purpose almost visibly filling him. “Peeeeej?.... you said you thought you might know what the secret might be. Can you tell me?”

 

Phil lay on the bed at a Premier Inn on the outskirts of the city staring at the ceiling. These beds weren't as uncomfortable as he'd expected the room was quite pleasant. The view from the window was a bit of a semi-urban red brick nightmare but he wasn't spending any time gazing out upon it anyway. The en-suite was ok and there was a small desk and small sofa in the room. It gave him what he thought he needed, a neutral cocoon away from the plethora of memories that surrounded him at the flat. 

He tried to push away thoughts that crowded in on him by unpacking his messily thrown together bag. Maybe using the provided hangers might allow the slight crumples to ease out of his T-shirts and he wouldn't need to find an iron. He placed his Macbook on the desk and plugged it in. Sitting down he opened up some familiar programmes and decided to edit a video he'd made before Dan left. It would give him something to do, he needed to start getting back to doing everyday things.

Normally he and Dan would be going through last minute planning for the radio show today. After a couple of hours working he pushed the wooden chair back letting his hands fall straight down by his sides and took a deep breath. Getting out his phone he started to text.

“Hi Peej, could you do me yet another favour? can't face talking to Dan right now, but I've decided I'm going to do the radio show tomorrow. I don't want to risk our bosses seeing me as unreliable. Would you mind telling him not to bother talking to me, I'm going in, I'll do the show and then I leave, I don't want him harassing me or thinking me being civil to him during the show means anything. If you'd rather not get involved by passing it on I understand, let me know and I'll email him. He might not see it before the show, but I'll have tried. Thanks, sorry for the rambling <3”

Phil tried to concentrate while he waited for PJ's reply. He hoped he would send one so that he knew what his next move should be.

“Phil, it's done! I've told Dan to be on his best behaviour. In fact Bryony's going to come to the studio with me to wait for you to finish, so you don't feel too awkward having to leave at the same time, just you and Dan. Don't say not to, it's too late we're coming”.

Phil scanned the text, a weak smile formed on his lips, he threw his phone onto the bed and threw himself after it. Lying on his back his arm raised across his eyes. His mouth retained the same shape but somehow what emitted from it was a pitiful wail, he let himself cry. Maybe he could get it out of his system before tomorrow.

The room was dark apart from the annoying red led light on the T.V. The muted sounds of traffic still hummed through the windows. He had no idea what time it was, and was still lying on his back though his arm had moved. His body tingled and as he shifted his hips to turn he realised he was hard. The friction against his jeans brought a surprised gasp from him. How on earth could he have been unaware that he had a boner. He'd been dreaming about Dan, of course he was fucking hard. He turned him on like no one else. 

Phil growled low in his throat, doing his best to ignore the throbbing between his legs he moved to the bathroom, stripped off as fast as he could and set the shower to cool, even though it wasn't particularly warm in the room. He was going to get rid of this hard on one way or another and it wasn't going to be through a wank. His mind would only create images of Dan in his head and really rip him up.

X

Back at Chris – and PJ's flat Dan looked surprised and excited when PJ told him Phil was going to be with him for the radio show, he started immediately to plan in his head what he would say. How he could go about trying to get Phil to trust him again. Before he could get too far on that track PJ slapped him down, telling him that he had to behave himself, no talking to Phil other than about the radio show. Or pestering him afterwards.

A huge sigh escaped him and the light left his eyes a little. “How am I supposed to do any of the things you suggested if he won't even exchange a word with me Peej!?”. 

“Yeah, it's going to be harder than I'd hoped.... what if you gave me a letter to pass on to him, I'll tell him he doesn't have to read it, but we can hope he does....”

“Would you do that for me?” Dan smiled for the first time that day. “Yeah, I still think you've been a shit, but you love each other, and you were young when you met... not that it excuses you... but maybe you deserve one chance... Tell him everything you told me about how you panicked; that you realise it was irrational and why...”

Dan didn't waste any time getting down to the task, between them the three boys came up with reasonably acceptable writing paper and envelopes, though Dan thought Chris's Batman themed envelopes might be a little inappropriate. He sat on the Sofa, his laptop closed for once, being used as a lap desk as he scribbled away, brows drawn together in concentration, more than one draft ended up on the floor. Finally he slipped the three page letter into the envelope and sealed it. PJ grinned as Dan kissed the envelope “Jesus, look at me, big lovesick lump. I might as well write S.W.A.L.K* on the envelope”. PJ chuckled, “well Dan stage one underway”. 

“Yeah, but I won't get my hopes up Peej, he must hate me so much right now”. 

Dan arrived early for the show practically sick with nerves at seeing Phil again he hadn't slept much that night. He was starting to perspire with nerves when it got to the moment Jameela introduced them to read the album chart. Just as he was about to say that Phil had been unavoidably detained Phil walked into shot smiling with a sheaf of paper, a copy of Dan's own that one of their producers had sorted out for him. Dan smiled at him, Phil returned it stiffly, his adams apple moving painfully up and down as he took a gulp before answering “Hi Jameela!” with a big smile. 

From then on the radio show went smoothly. Phil was a little more distracted than usual but not enough that anyone would think it odd. Dan tried to make eye contact several times, it wasn't so much as trying, he just couldn't keep his eyes off Phil. He drank him up, using every excuse to press near him, to breath in his familiar scent. Brushing so close at one point off camera that they could have kissed. Dan closed his eyes frozen, breathing deeply his heart pounding. When he opened them again Phil had moved to the other side of the room and was writing something on the white board. 

As planned Bryony was there, she was still pissed with Dan and wouldn't talk to him, fussing over Phil as she ushered him with PJ out of the building. Dan didn't try to approach Phil, just giving him a small apologetic smile before their ways parted and Dan made the lonely way back to Chris at the flat. He hoped that Phil would read the letter and consider it.

The sound of his feet on the concrete pavement seemed to echo in his ears setting up a rhythm, it broadcast his prayers to the skies above him, 'please let Phil forgive me, forgive me, forgive me'.

X

Back at the hotel Phil sat on the Sofa, just the small reading lights above the bed illuminating the room. He didn't know how long he'd been there but he was starting to feel cold and numb. Being cheerful for the cameras with Dan in touching distance had been the hardest thing he thought he'd ever had to do. He could still smell his scent now if he closed his eyes.

He drew a small Batman envelope out of his bag. Arms resting along his thighs he held it with a thumb on either bottom corner and stared at it. Finally he turned it over and re-read the short message on the front. “Phil. I know you hate me and I deserve it, but please could you find it in your heart to read the letter inside. I know it might not make any difference to how you feel about me but it might.”

Phil knew he would open the envelope in the end. He so wanted things to be back the way they were, they never would be, there would always be a tiny corner of his mind that would worry. Could he live with that, was it worth it to have Dan back in his life. Right at this moment he though it might be. So instead of following what his head told him to do, throw the envelope in the bin, with trembling hands he followed his heart and opened the envelope.


	3. Reasons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil realises he can't hide away from his feelings and fears forever, where things lead are not quite where he expected.

Phil stared at the pages clutched in his hands. He'd read them twice now. He closed his eyes trying to un-jumble the random phrases that danced before them. Dan should have trusted him, how could he think like that, he would never try and railroad him into fatherhood. He wanted more than anything to tell Dan it was ok, that he understood and that they could try again. He was confused beyond what he could handle and he shut down. When his phone bleeped he was cold and stiff, and wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting on the bed in the dark. The letter still clutched in one hand.

Phil didn't recognise the number and considered not opening it, but he caught the name as the text scrolled along the top of his phone. What the hell did she want, he hadn't spoken to her since she'd come into the studio with one of the live lounge artists where she met Dan.

He couldn't handle this now, why were they doing this to him, hadn't the betrayal been enough. He'd left the flat to get away from all this, to have time to think but it wasn't working out as he'd hoped, and how did she get his bloody number!

Eventually Phil couldn't stand the not knowing and opened the text. All it said was:

“Sorry to intrude, I can't be a person you want to hear from right now. I've got some info that you might be interested in, you might not care but I think you will. Do you want me to just text it to you, email, or do you want to meet in person. I understand if it's none of the above and you just want me to fuck off”. Jen.

Phil looked around the overly tidy room. Light filtering through the cheap curtains from the lights outside gave the room a uniform gloomy orange glow. “Well” Phil stated out loud, thinking a little more clearly since the day Dan mentioned the word girlfriend in his presence as if it was something that didn't even affect him. “This isn't working at all”.

He started packing in the same way as he had to come here in the first place, throwing things hurriedly into the case, not even bothering to pack any of the toiletries this time, except his razor. Just sweeping them into the small bin.

He gave the room a quick once over to make sure he hadn't left anything behind before leaving for the foyer to check out and call a taxi.  
  
As the taxi drew up outside their flat Phil took a deep breath, had he made the right decision. He still felt butterflies in his stomach as he looked at their home, and even now tears threatened. He had to be strong though, he was tired, he'd seen Dan today so he was bound to feel emotional. The memories and the people weren't going to leave him alone wherever he ran. He might as well be in the comfort of his own home, after all he was still paying the rent. So was Dan he reminded himself, that wasn't his problem right now. He wasn't the one that had thrown everything away.

As he let himself in the flat was cold and dark and quiet. He took the stairs two at a time and threw the holdall into his room. Shutting the door before heading to the kitchen to make a cup of hot chocolate, popping on the heating on his way.

In the kitchen was a vase of fresh flowers, all of Phil's favourites everything chosen with care so the colours flowed into one another, a tell tale sign of Dan's hand. They were also mainly perfumed blooms, Dan knew how much he loved scent. The individual flowers blended into a fresh subtle perfume that delicately hung in the air like an olfactory rainbow.

He felt so torn, his first instinct was to smile, it was a beautiful small gesture, and the flowers really were stunning. He moved automatically to smell the display and take them in more closely. He stopped in his track, his stomach dropping he felt as if he'd been gut punched the association with Dan was just too overpowering.

He noticed an A4 sheet of paper tucked under the large glass vase. It was typed so he couldn't tell who it was from by the writing. He approached it like a mouse nervously checking out the cheese in a trap. Finally edging close enough to notice the signature. Peej?.

Forgetting for the moment about hot chocolate he drew the paper to him and headed to the lounge to sit down and read it.

_The flowers are from Dan so feel free to throw them in the bin if you have to, and the letter is from me Captain Peej.. so umm. Please don't throw it... not yet. I know you must still be angry after reading Dan's letter, but he really does mean every word._

_You know I love you right? I love you both and I know you both probably better than most. So please take this as it's meant from a friend that wants only the best for you... Maybe you should consider what he said, try not to have a visceral reaction and push him away just because you think he deserves it? – not that he doesn't. I still think he behaved like a shit, and I'm here for you 100%_

_Dan is still here with me and Chris at the moment and he's a complete mess. Yes, I agree he deserves to be, I'm not saying you should forgive him, I'm definitely not saying you should feel sorry for him, 'cos I really don't think that. I'm just stating a fact._

_By the way he didn't come to the flat he didn't want you to feel 'violated'. I put the flowers there for him after you texted me to say you were coming back._

_I think maybe you should tell Dan what the secret was? I mean … Sorry for interfering and obviously you aren't going to do anything you don't want to, but I think it might encourage him to tell you something that maybe you're not aware of. I'll shut up now._

_Hugs Peej_

_PS if you're not too pissed off at me for interfering text/ring me?'_

Phil half growled half grunted as he screwed the letter up and threw it across the room. He went to the kitchen and threw the vase, water, flowers and all into the bin with a satisfying splash and cracking sound. He banged his bedroom door open rather too hard before throwing himself face down onto his bed and screaming into his pillow. He was angry and he was shattered after the emotional strain of the show, and now this avalanche of unwelcome contact assaulting his frayed nerves, Peej too! Why didn't they all just leave him alone.

He drifted into an uneasy exhausted sleep within minutes of hitting the bed. He woke at one p.m. with a crick in his neck after sleeping for nearly eleven solid hours.

X

”Do you think he's back at the flat Peej”?

“Dunno Dan, he said he was going to let me know when he got there in his last text, but I haven't heard from him since. He's probably pissed at me too now”.

Chris piped up from the kitchen “Well I did warn you! I'd be pissed at you too, Dan was a prick... no offence Dan... and you've asked him to play nice with him”...

“None taken Chris” Dan raised an eyebrow and rolled his eyes at PJ at Chris's bluntness.

“Phil's not going to roll over like a puppy and let himself be kicked again”.

“Yeah, I know your right” Dan sighed and shuffled out to the kitchen, it was a surprisingly traditional and homely space. He watched Chris clank about putting sugar into cups and setting a tray up with cookies, preparing what he referred to as 'second breakfast'. “So mum”, “careful Howell, don't think I won't put you across my knee, you're not too big you know!”. Dan chuckled for the first time in a while. Chris let you know when he was pissed at you, but he always knew the right thing to say. “Seriously though Chris, do you think I'm just being stupid and pursuing Phil now is just harassment. It looks like I've done too much damage to repair”. His sentence finished on a whispered breath, his head lowered and his bottom lip sucked in receiving a hearty chewing.

“Follow me young padawan” Dan obediently followed Chris, tray clanking adorned with three steaming mugs of coffee and huge cookies into the lounge, where he placed it down carefully on the coffee table. PJ and Dan reached for their hot drinks and Chris produced a cold can of diet coke from his pocket. “Chris!?”. “Oh this?” Chris pointed towards his now open can holding it up with a questioning look on his face. “Pfft, you know I don't like coffee” as if that explained everything.

Dan shook his head, deciding to give up on taking this further for now. “Well Daniel, we all know you've made one almighty balls up of the most perfect relationship mankind has ever seen”.

Dan groaned, “Chris, please can we be serious for a moment”.

“I was being serious... anyway. You've fucked up Dan, Phil has no obligation whatsoever to listen to you or take you back, correct?”.

“Correct” dan agreed sadly.

“What we do know is that he loves you. If he didn't love you he wouldn't be so furious at you. Give him a few more days without pestering him. You've laid some cards on the table, now give the poor man some time to think, then test the water again without being too pushy and be prepared for it not to work Dan. He might not be able to trust you again and you may have to try and live with that”.

Fuck that hurt, but Chris had a point, if Phil showed no signs of even considering trying again he might have to try and move on. That thought killed him more than he could possibly articulate, he wasn't even sure if he could handle that outcome. The worst thing was that it was all his own doing.

“Um, I'm feeling a bit tired guys... do you mind if I go to the bedroom for an hour”. Dan had been sleeping on the sofa, he could hardly throw them out of their own living room to have a small mental breakdown. Being cheeky and stealing their room for an hour was the best he could manage for now.

As he laid on the bed like a starfish staring up at the ceiling his head swam, Chris was probably right, he had no claim on Phil, he'd destroyed that himself. He'd probably never even get to make a grand gesture as Peej had suggested. Phil would shoot him down long before that became appropriate. Tears streamed down his cheeks creating a silvery flow down to his ears and behind, soaking the back of his neck and hair, making a little fringe of curls licking at the nape of his neck. They wouldn't stop and he didn't have the energy or desire to wipe them away.

X

Phil sat on the edge of the bed and stretched sending shivers all over his body, and headed for the shower on auto pilot still somehow sleepy despite his uber sleep. The hot water and steam helped to wake him up and he felt a little lighter leaving the shower. He dressed straight away, hunger had suddenly crept up on him and now his stomach was trying to devour itself. Standing in front of the open fridge contemplating it's contents he wanted all the food, as a change from his usual cereal he decided on a big plate of bacon, scrambled eggs and toast with a large mug of coffee. Soon he was sat at the table to eat.

He hadn't intended not to text Peej back last night, he just got so frustrated, angry and tired that he couldn't face communicating with anyone. Fork in one hand he picked up his phone, as he brushed his thumb across the screen ready to text he saw another text from that woman. “I wont keep pestering you, what I have to say is a bit embarrassing really so I'm not going to push it, but thought I'd try once more to see if you wanted to talk somehow”.

Phil carefully placed the phone face down in the middle of the table as he started to eat his breakfast. He didn't want anything getting between him and his plate at the moment, he'd missed too many meals. Even though he was still in turmoil he wolfed down the warm food and enjoyed every morsel.

Sitting back in the chair his eyes caught the white crumpled piece of paper almost highlighted by the rays of feeble British spring sun. He scooped it off the floor where it had landed last night and carefully laid it out on the table, flattening it out as best he could. He took Dan's letter from the pocket of his jeans where he'd left it last night and spread that out next to it, re-reading it as he did so. “Dan, Dan, Dan why on earth didn't you talk to me” he muttered under his breath as he neatened the row of papers

His face blank he picked his phone up. Text was going to be too cumbersome, email too slow. He chose call, pressed the button and sat back in the dining chair as the phone rang.

“Hi, It's Phil... yes.... OK, well what is this startling news that could be of so much interest to me?.... Yes..... I remember...........mm... really?... Why should I believe that?...Why would he do that... honestly?........ OK then, but why are you bothering to tell me?.... I didn't think you were the sort of person to feel bad about something after it had already happened...” There was a long pause as Jen told Phil off for talking to her like that when admittedly belatedly she was only trying to help.

“Ok, yes perhaps I was a little bit rude, but not as rude as you were interfering in our relationship.... Anyway... Look.. I'm sorry, I don't want to argue with you, to be honest I just want to forget you.... mm...... Yeah, well thanks for telling me, I'm not sure that it matters in the long run. He still left me, but it's another page to add to the story so thanks, you didn't have to tell me and I guess I'm glad you did.”

Without saying goodbye he hung up and before putting his phone down blocked the number, just in case. He didn't want to hear that woman's voice ever again.

He went to his bedroom got out a note book and pen and made some notes of what she'd just said, not that he'd ever forget any of it but he wanted everything where he could see it for the moment. He ripped the page out and laid it on the table next to the other evidence of his tattered relationship. Or 'reasons' as he'd labelled the scraps of paper in his head.

Phil changed his mind about texting PJ, leaving his plates, cup and paper trail where they were he headed for the door, grabbing his warm coat on the way. Despite the weak sunshine he was feeling cold all the time lately and his galaxy coat wasn't going to keep him warm enough, or be able to cheer him up in the circumstances.

X

Dan could hear Chris and PJ talking heatedly in the other room, he knew it was about him, it always was lately. They'd been much kinder to him than he deserved and perhaps he should start looking for somewhere to rent while he and Phil tried to either sort their relationship out. Or the worst thought in the world while they split their household up. Maybe stay in a hotel for a little while like Phil was. His head was swimming with these thoughts as he started to drift off to sleep.

“Don't be daft Peej, of course I don't want to throw him out, it's just we're not getting much privacy at the moment... you know”, Chris rolled his eyes and tilted his head hands on hips and let his eyes scan up and down PJ's body in an exaggerated lusty manner. “Jesus Christ Chris, can you not think with your knob just this once”, but PJ was smiling as he leant in to wrap his arms around Chris and pull him in for a hug and quick peck on the lips. “Promise me you'll never do a Dan, if you're worried about anything just talk to me, ok?”. Chris grinned at his boyfriend and whispered “I promise” against his neck as he kissed it.

They were interrupted by a loud series of raps on their door, and sprang apart like school kids caught up to no good. The expression of shock on each others faces made them laugh. As PJ opened the door his laughter turned to an exclamation of surprise.

“Hi guys, sorry to land on you like this but I need to see Dan is he here?”

“Um, Hi Phil!” PJ stood to the side to allow him in, as they walked towards the lounge they passed the bedroom. Phil noticed for himself a familiar gangly figure spread eagled on Chris's bed... “Do you mind if I go in?”. All Peej could manage was a shake of his head to indicate he didn't mind. His throat had suddenly gone very dry.

Phil stepped into the room and felt his heart flip in his chest, Dan obviously had slipped into sleep, he looked so peaceful. He was pale and he'd lost weight. His dark eyelashes brushing against the smooth curve of his cheeks. His lips looked so red and plump against his unusually pale skin, and the urge to kiss them was still there, was stronger than ever in fact. He knew every curve every dip, every angle of the frame his eyes kept travelling back and forth over. He wanted nothing more than to crawl up the bed pressing his body against Dan and whisper into his ear between kisses. He'd been so sure of himself on the journey here, now he wasn't sure at all. This was a hundred times harder than he'd expected. He wasn't sure what to do, start talking, call Dan, touch him or just go and sit with Peej and Chris until he woke.

While he was a confused mess of indecision Dan started to stir. In his dreamless sleep he sensed a change. A familiar scent seemed to be present. The air in the room felt different somehow and he woke with a start to see the person he most wanted to see in the world stood just inside the bedroom door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to reiterate as with all my stories I own no one mentioned in this fiction. I wanted to restate that because I've mentioned family members of Phil by name, only briefly and only because Phil himself does, and they are public figures who make no secret of their relationship to Phil.
> 
> Thanks for reading :D


	4. All I want is you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phil and Dan finally get to talk. Could Phil be starting to thaw, some of the information he has now may have taken some of the heat out of his pain, what does he want now.

“Dan”...Phil's lips were moving but they didn't seem to be making the sounds his brain wanted them to. The long skinny figure on the bed swung into a sitting position and Phil backed against the door, as if startled by the movement, and jumped as he came into contact with the cool painted wood. He wished his heart would stop thudding so hard that he could feel the pulse in his neck and hear the rhythmic whoosh in his ears. 

Dan took a few deep breaths, his head low but peering up at Phil through his messy bed hair. His hands were clasped between his open knees and his head swam being raised prematurely from sleep always found him groggy, the world for a moment held a surreal quality. He wasn't quite sure for a moment if he was dreaming. A few more deep breaths as his head cleared slowly assured him that he wasn't. HIs voice cracking a little, not knowing quite what to say. 

“Phil, I know you've probably come to tell me to fuck off but God it's good to see you!”

Phil's eyes never left Dan, wide and soft as they absorbed him, as if he could keep him with him forever that way, imprinted on his retina, with him always.

“I... um... I... is it true!?...”

Dan had always said you could swim in Phil's eyes, now he was drowning in them, inwardly flailing praying that he could say something, anything that would bring him back to him. What he actually said was purely for clarification. He wished it could have been something beautiful and articulate that would help heal Phil's heart instead.

“is what true?”

Phil cleared his throat “She texted me... so I phoned her... is it true?”

“I think I know what you mean Phil, but I want to be sure”

“Is it true that you threw everything away that we had and you didn't even fuck her!” Phil spat out angrily.

Shit, Dan thought, he's not going to let me back in, he even sees the fact that I couldn't have sex with someone who called herself my girlfriend as a negative. He'd wanted to be able to tell Phil this himself, he'd hoped it might ease his mind a little, maybe even help him forgive him if he was lucky. What had made her contact Phil.

“Yes, it's true... I... couldn't.... I liked her, um...we had fun; but I still loved... love you... I couldn't think of her or anyone else in that way when it came to it”.

Phil had found his voice now, he cleared his throat again and continued, his fists clenched nervously at his sides. He wanted to get this off his chest he had to get the words out, but he couldn't deny that his anger towards Dan had subsided a little after he'd spoken to Jen, and read the letters Dan and PJ had written.

“Is it also true that you ran out on me because you panicked, you thought I wanted a house and babies... If that isn't a shitty thing to do then I don't know what is”

Dan's slightly hopeful expression faded to be replaced with one of abject misery. He buried his head in his hands, struggling to calm his breathing, fighting the urge to cry and losing, the tears surged past his defences and trickled down his cheeks all the while stuttering apologies through them. All he could think about was how Phil must have cried over the last few months, how hurt he must have been. That thought was what had tipped the balance between regaining composure and the tears winning.

Deep regret had been his constant companion the last few months. “I'm so sorry Phil, I'm not crying because I'm sorry for myself, I'm crying because I can't believe I'm the creature who did all these shitty things to the best person in the universe”. He took a few more deep shuddering breaths trying to calm himself long enough to look Phil in the eyes, and at least give him the satisfaction of bawling him out. He should just take it like the almighty prick he was.

The noise of the city was a constant beat in the background, normally Phil found it soothing, today he yearned for the sounds of his childhood. Kids playing outside in the distance, birds creating a clamour just everywhere, even the sounds of the sheep grazing in the nearby fields. That would have soothed his shattered nerves right now.

Phil's shoulders slumped, he moved to the bed and thumped down on it near Dan, not because he wanted to go to him – although he did – but because all the energy and adrenalin had left him. His legs literally shook and he didn't think he could stand any longer even if he wanted to.

Turning to look at Dan confusion etched into his face, his voice low and very quiet now.

“Why Dan? we had everything... You know those houses I was looking at... Yeah? It was fun to look at them and think maybe in a few years, but they were for my brother Dan, my brother! He sent some links... wanted my opinion and asked me to look out for anything else I thought they'd like. I was excited about baby stuff because they thought they might be having one and I was going to be an uncle. I wanted to surprise you with it if and when they were sure.”. 

Dan's jaw fell open further than he thought it could, shit Martin and Cornelia, why hadn't he thought of that! What a fucking idiot. “Oh my God Phil, I wish I'd know, that's great news, I mean about them coming nearer... are they you know … pregnant?”

“No they're not, but they're still moving” Phil snapped a little more curtly than he'd intended.

... “Um...” Dan sighed, continuing in a subdued tone “I never intended to move out if that means anything... Jen started calling herself my girlfriend, and after late nights it made sense to stay over... and I just sort of went along with it. She was so confident, it was kind of like a roller coaster ride... I got carried away a bit ... meeting some of the people i'd idolised in her own lounge as guests.. was... well ...you know... I was so selfish!”

Dan stopped talking for a moment, staring down at his hands as they tied themselves in knots. Phil didn't speak, he could see Dan was taking a moment to form what he wanted to say next.

“I was so worried... that you wanted to have a family and would see me as too young and irresponsible... so I guess subconsciously at first I was kind of acting up, pushing it to see if you would tell me to grow up, or decide if you needed some one more mature... It's dumb as fuck I know but I didn't realise how things had escalated with Jen until you started telling friends we'd broken up. By the time you made the video I'd tried to shut off my emotions and was trying to think of Jen as my girlfriend and enjoy the social side of things, even though it was tiring... you know me I'm not really the most sociable of people” He smiled sadly at Phil, who's lips twitched in the facsimile of a faint smile that didn't reach his eyes. Chastened by Phil's lack of response he continued “um.... sort of try to make the most of the situation, not admit even to myself how badly I'd screwed up”....

“Have you finished?”

Phil had let Dan have full reign and allowed him ramble on. He still didn't understand how he could have reacted the way he had to his worries, they'd always talked about absolutely everything. He honestly didn't think Dan truly knew either, but he was so empty without him. 

He didn't want to know about what he did with Jen, even if it wasn't sexual it still hurt... but the sound of his voice. It was like a lost piece of favourite music, the way he sounded so unintentionally … articulate when he spoke melted his heart. He knew he was weak, he knew perhaps he shouldn't waver, but being here with Dan... It felt right, he could practically feel a magnetic pull between them. All he'd read and heard did seem to mitigate Dan's behaviour, his gut was telling him Dan was seriously sorry and truly wanted to be with him.

“I'll tell you anything you want to know Phil, or I'll shut the fuck up whatever you want, I'm not important I've hurt the one person in the world that really matters and I won't ever be able to do enough to make up for it”.

Phil had mostly been staring at the floor while Dan spoke. He raised his head now and turned to look at Dan, his eyes a startling blue in contrast to the red rims. They swam with tears and his lips trembled. He looked pleadingly at Dan as if he were breaking, his head tilting to the side as he tried to speak, but nothing but a tiny almost inaudible whimper came out. His defences had crumbled, crashing down.

Reaching his hands out he took Dan's in his own. His eyes fluttering closed and gulping hard as his heart lurched at the touch. His voice was tiny, almost childlike he could hardly get the words out, when he did they were choked, staccato punctuated by shallow ragged breaths. 

“All I.. I .. want ..is..you ..Dan” 

Phil's face crumpled into a mask of despair as his frame shuddered as he couldn't hold the tears back any longer. He crumpled towards dan who automatically reached for him, pulling him into his chest, hugging him as if he could never let him go. Lowering his head, tears already falling again he kissed the top of Phil's head, relishing the feel of the silky black locks against his lips. A sensation he'd thought he would never feel again. Cradling him in his arms he pressed his cheek to the top of his head and began to rock, fully sobbing himself by now. Repeating “I love you so much, I'm so so sorry”.

Phil was completely overwhelmed by being in Dan's arms, he'd tried to shut himself off from him, to ignore what his heart, his mind and his body wanted, but with him here holding him close he couldn't deny this was all he wanted, what he craved. His head swam with the heady familiar scent, his heart beat like a humming bird trapped beneath his ribs. His arms snaked around Dan hugging him closer his face buried against his chest, breathing him in as if he were oxygen to a drowning man.

Dan was lost in everything that was Phil, he'd missed him so badly, and could hardly believe he was here, at least for the moment, in his arms. He felt Phil begin to tremble a quiet wrecked voice emanated from somewhere between his nipples. 

“You might grow out of me, you might want to try something new again. I can't... I shouldn't... do this”. Dan's heart dropped through the floor. He knew he would never ever want anyone but Phil, even when he'd thought he did he didn't. Phil was his world and if he had to spend the next seventy years proving that, he was quite happy to do it.

“Please don't think like that love, I don't blame you though, you have no reason to trust me right now, but I really could never hurt you in any way ever again. I love you so much you can't even imagine. How can I make a start on proving myself to you, would you be prepared to give me a chance if I did? I need you Phil, I want to do everything to make your life better, but I'm not going to try and coerce you it has to be your choice”.

Phil slowly pulled his head away from Dan looking up into his liquid brown eyes full of worry, he melted even more, he just couldn't help it. Sitting up straight, coughing a little and attempting to tug down the edges of his crumpled blue shirt, he tried to gather himself together a little. He had pride, was Dan's reasoning and what that woman had told him enough for him to be able to salvage any dignity and be able to accept Dan back.

He stared at Dan for what seemed like hours, taking in every last detail he knew every inch of him better than he knew himself, he'd never love anyone as much. “Are you still scared Dan? If I said I did want to put roots down, get all suburban, have a family maybe would you talk to me about it or would you still run”.

Dan hardly dared move incase it broke the spell, was Phil actually really considering taking him back?.. He sat up straighter and surprised himself with the steadiness of his voice. “Phil I don't want a family yet, but I want one some day and I wouldn't want it with anyone else but you. Of course I'd talk to you about it, I honestly don't know why I didn't before, but I've learnt my lesson. I'd enjoy making plans, finding compromises, and most of all loving you, making you happy”. 

“I don't want one yet either as I said before, it was all about my brother this time. If I thought about it before I kind of thought maybe when we were both into our thirties, whenever you were ready. In my head it was always about doing these things with you. You've always said you wanted children and I was always prepared to take your lead because it was never so important to me, I wanted them because you did... So you would talk to me?”

“Always, about everything Phil!”

“Would you swear to be mine in front of the whole world and never regret it?”

Phil didn't know where that had come from and it surprised even himself, but now he'd said it, it felt right.

Outside the door PJ and Chris grimaced at each other “ouch, Phil that's a big ask.. I mean never's a long time!”. PJ glared at his boyfriend before slapping his arm and hissing “shush” at him.

Dan was surprised by this question but answered without hesitation.

“I would, nothing would make me happier!”

“Then lets do it... get married...”

Phil had not intended this to be where things led when he left their flat, but in the heat of the moment, and the want aching and growing in his belly for Dan every moment they were near led him to it. If Dan was truly sorry, if he'd got over his fear of their long term future he wouldn't recoil at the idea. 

Phil wondered if Dan would hesitate, add some kind of qualifier like, if things work out this time then yes it's something we could consider. Or if he'd take it in the spirit it was meant. A promise to be stronger than before, the way a scar can be the strongest part of your skin, knitting together after a trauma to form an almost unassailable bond.

It seemed like forever before Dan responded, Phil watched carefully, seeing him almost in slow motion, not wanting to miss a flicker of his expression. In reality it was microseconds before Dan responded, hardly able to believe that he'd heard correctly.

“Are you kidding me! If you are prepared to not only give me a second chance, but the greatest gift you could ever give then I'm going to say yes Phil, not a shadow of a doubt. I would marry you right now”. 

“Well we don't want this to be a rushed 'band aid' marriage, so Dan we'll wait, make sure that you really want to and aren't just jumping in to try and make up for what happened”. He took Dan's hand again, looking into his eyes to make sure he understood. “If you change your mind, just want to carry on living together, or … well you know” an unbearably sad expression flitted across Phil's features as he contemplated Dan changing his mind about them altogether... “Just talk to me about it ok?” 

Dan nodded, returning Phil's gaze intensely. “I don't mind waiting if it will make you sure that I've thought about it properly, but I can tell you now my love that nothing will ever take me from your side again... except a freakin' big tsunami or something of course. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. I want to marry you Phil”. 

Phil was scared, not to mention scarred but he couldn't help the surge of joy that shot through him, his face displayed a grin of pure surprise and delight. He couldn't believe that he'd said what he had but he had been working purely on gut feeling. Dan could not take his eyes from Phil, sheer disbelief flooding his system at how kind, and loving, and plain wonderful the man beside him was. He was crying again, tears of joy as he tentatively reached out to touch Phil's cheek. The gentle skin on skin contact felt as if sparks were flying across his hand, little bolts of electricity crackling along his epidermis right into his heart.

Phil sighed, his eyes closing and nuzzled into Dan's touch. His eyes fluttered open, to see Dan nearer than before just a few inches from his face. His hand still cradling Phil's cheek as if he were a rare fragile treasure, his thumb brushing gently across his cheek bone as his fingers slipped more into Phil's hairline, he felt him shiver at the touch. Their eyes were fixed on one another, pupils wide and black. Dan moved a little closer, everything in him screamed for more contact. 

Phil's Adam’s apple bobbed as he gulped trying to stay calm while his mind raced and his body ached. He wanted Dan pressed up against him; every inch of him in contact. As he let out a breath he dipped his forehead almost bringing it into contact with Dans. Dan whispered soft and low, his voice breaking “can I kiss you”? He prayed the answer would be yes, his lips were on fire with the need to be pressed up against Phil's.

Phil could barely speak, he raised one hand and placed it over the hand still stroking and clenching into his hair, caressing it with his thumb, raising his head back up a little making eye contact again, he whispered an urgent “Please...”

He didn't have to say another word, Dan's hand buried itself further into his hair, finding the nape of his neck, cradling him delicately as if he were made of gossamer, at the same instant hot bitten lips pressed tenderly, hesitantly, to Phil's soft pink mouth.

Phil reached up encompassing Dan's feverish cheeks, an involuntary gasp of pleasure forcing it's way out past his lips at the gentle pressure he'd missed so much. Instinct was taking over, and Dan's tongue flickered across Phil's lower lip before tentatively dipping between his sweet slightly parted lips. A thrill of desire curled through Phil's abdomen fiery and undeniable, his hands moved to the front of Dan's shirt pulling him closer as their tongues started to move in a familiar synchronised dance. A ragged sigh escaped him as he realised his own shaking was matched by the obvious trembling resonating through Dan's long frame.

The kiss quickly became deep, frantic almost, all the love, frustration and yearning poured into that one act, their lips crushed together in a hot open mouthed kiss. Holding each other so tight it almost hurt, legs beginning to entangle, nothing existed outside this moment.

Eventually, they pulled apart breathless and flushed, and more than a little aroused. Phil looked almost shyly at Dan, “well, we can't make out on Chris's bed with them just outside the door listening...”. Dan's eyes opened wider and his head pushed forward, a “really!?” expression on his face but unvoiced. Phil chuckled raising his hand to cover his mouth nodding silently. Dan said in his best 'nothing to see here voice', “well... um... we'd better go and tell them what's going on”.

Outside the door, wide hazel eyes met surprised aquamarine ones. As one they shot across the room and started to arrange themselves in poses that were meant to convey nonchalance. As if they had been there all along. As they heard the bedroom door start to open PJ opened his laptop and glanced at Chris, smiled and looked down at his screen, his head shot up again performing a double take. His voice high and questioning one hand raised palm up gesturing vaguely towards his boyfriend. “Chris! ...Where on earth did you get a pipe!?”


	5. All the small things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Phil know they have to tell their friends and family their decision, the two eavesdroppers outside the bedroom door will have to be told first of course, but they need time alone together before telling others, they're not going to be able to resist the chemistry that they've had since the beginning drawing them together. In other words this is the chapter where they get frisky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has been interested enough to wonder why I hadn't updated for a while, I've been having internet problems, and then couldn't get my writing mojo working. Hope it's ok. Feedback is always really welcome, it's great when someone takes the time to comment even if it's just to say I liked that, or give constructive criticism.

Phil stood first, smoothing his clothes down, and tidying his hair as best he could, his stomach churned a little as he contemplated telling their friends, including the two they'd just heard stampede away from the door. He knew Chris and PJ would support them however things had turned out but he did realise that they would probably be surprised and cautious about this turn of events. Especially Chris. 

Happiness flooded him as he stole little sidelong glances at Dan. The seismic shift the events of the last few months had brought to his life were going to take some time to adjust to, and deep down he worried that he might never have the easy trust in Dan that he once had. If Dan was willing to be patient though he was sure they could be strong, and hopefully better than before in some ways. For one thing barring a huge turn around they would be married, he couldn't help a wide grin spreading across his face at the thought.

Dan knew he was staring, watching Phil as he tried to tidy his mussed up hair in Chris's oval wall mirror. His slightly awkward movements, the way his smile lit up his eyes, the way the few rays of sun peeking through chinks in the drawn curtains caught his hair and sent little flashes off it. All these little things made his heart flutter the same way now as it had the first time they met. He had the strongest urge to rake his fingers through the feathery silken mop, the feel of it sliding through his fingers was one of his favourite things. 

As he stood up he shook himself out of his Phil induced trancelike state, moving to him he slid his arms around his waist, hugging him close resting his chin on his shoulder, seeing him smile in the mirror as he placed a gentle kiss on his neck. He resisted with difficulty the urge to mess up his just tidied hair up again. “Ready babe”? He felt like a walking love sick cliché right now, but that's how clichés are born he guessed, from over emotional dopes like himself.

He really hoped that he could wash away any fears Phil might have. He had been so busy watching his boyfriend with a big soppy smile on his face that he hadn't even bother to try and sort out the downright birds nest on top of his own head. For once in his life his hair held no importance whatsoever.

They moved to the door together grinning knowing that Chris and PJ had heard most of what had gone on in the bedroom and were looking forward to seeing them struggle to pretend they hadn't. They popped their heads around the door together to see PJ urgently flicking through his tabs to try and find something that looked absorbing enough to imply he'd been there a while. As they caught sight of Chris they they burst out laughing both exclaiming “Chris!?” as they moved into the room Dan continued “what the... I don't even... I give up..... Really! A pipe?”. Chris, feet up on the coffee table, ostentatiously puffing on the unlit pipe greeted them with a series of eyebrow push ups, theatrically removing his pipe he exclaimed dramatically.

“Well, well, what do we have here Watson? A pair of vagabonds no doubt”

He was interrupted by a cushion hurled across the room hitting his pipe out of his hand, “Hey, Peej! I'll have you know that that pipe is a valuable prop heirloom”

PJ just rolled his eyes at him, patting the seat beside him, come here you two, I'll get us some tea... or coffee “diet coke please love!” Sherlock piped up from his comfy chair.

Phil made his way to the sofa, grinning “Well it looks as if neither of you are going to try too hard to pretend you didn't hear everything”.

PJ looked sheepish, Chris just slowly closed his eyes, face deadpan, before raising them in a mock challenging 'what of it' look.

“Um, yeah... well I didn't know if you were going to end up throwing china and stuff... I didn't want to lose that lovely bedside trinket holder my mum gave me.... Chris! stop sticking your fingers down your throat and dry heaving behind my back... it's a family heirloom.. like your ..err. 'prop' ” PJ hoped they realised he was being sarcastic, the thing was truly horrible. Chris looked surprised, and removed his fingers from his mouth and scratched his head nonchalantly as if his boyfriends psychic powers, or at least eyes in the back of his head didn't phase him at all. 

As he stood to get the drinks he'd promised he ruffled Dan's hair further and couldn't stop himself from leaning down and giving Phil a bear hug. A muffled voice came from somewhere in his shoulder region “thanks Peej”. 

The boys spent a few hours together, as Phil and Dan accepted searching questions, especially from Chris. He was as sharp as a razor and wasn't going to let them get away with not facing up to all the possible pitfalls, but also all the wonderful things that this reunion would and could present. They knew that their friends had their best interests at heart and had been so good with them during the bad times they had every right to 'interfere' now. 

It was dark by the time they left the flat, with instructions for Chris and PJ not to tell anyone yet. They were wiped out from all the emotion of the day, let alone the last few months and just wanted to go home and be together before facing another undoubtedly even stiffer interrogation from Bryony. They knew their parents would be happy for them, but Dan was probably going to get a strongly worded 'talk' from Phil's mum. 

They put these thoughts aside for the moment as they breathed in the cool night air. The lights of the city welcoming them. 

They instinctively linked hands, something they had always been so careful not to do in public for so long and decided to walk to the flat. They didn't talk much, they had spoken for hours and for the moment enjoyed the companionable silence. Just a few sentences here and there, and little disbelieving smiles and glances shared on their way home.

X

Back at Chris's they decided to have 'an early night', after all they hadn't really been able to get their hands on each other properly since Dan had been staying. They peeled themselves off the sofa where they had been making out pretty much since their friends had left to take it to the bedroom. Not that they were averse to making out wherever the fancy took them, they were just tired and wanted to fall asleep after their 'workout'. Hands linked a questioning slightly concerned expression flitted across PJ's face, “you're not really going wear a bridesmaid's dress are you!?...”

X

As they reached their flat they both instinctively stopped, standing side by side taking in the detail of the facade. Dan had thought he might never come back here, and now thanks to Phil's loving nature he was being given a chance, given his life back. He felt he didn't deserve him, and he knew just how lucky he was. His grip tightened on Phil's hand, the pressure was returned as Phil turned to look at him, fishing in his pocket for a moment, he looked down at what lay in his hand and passed them to Dan, “I gave the other set to Peej, I want him to keep them for emergencies and stuff, but we'll get some more cut tomorrow”. Phil pressed the keys into Dan's hand, he felt it was kind of symbolic that Dan should unlock the door on his first night back. 

Dan's eyes glistened in the ever present glow of the city lights, he leant closer and pressed his cheek against Phil's before turning his head slightly, to lay a soft tender kiss against his skin, and wrapping his arms gently around him, relishing the warmth of Phil's skin radiating through the fabric against his hands as they rested against his back. 

Phil couldn't control the little tremble that ran through him. Dan's kisses had always made him weak at the knees, but now when he had so nearly lost him each one felt like fiery bolts of pleasure suffusing his body. He gulped, which almost hurt with his neck pressed so firmly against Dan's shoulder. He turned his head a little returned the kiss lingering and sweet against Dan's neck, just on his pulse, which Phil was surprised to be able to feel racing beneath his lips. His own arms slid up Dan's back under his leather jacket and moved slowly into place around his waist, one gliding up his spine to rest just below his neck. Pulling him even tighter.

Everything faded out, they formed their own little bubble, in each others arms everything felt right again. Dan pulled back, just enough to properly see Phil, his eyes flitting back and forth between his lips and his eyes, his tongue brushed across his own bottom lip before he drew his teeth across it pulling it a little inside his mouth, his eyes had taken on a soft dreamy look. Phil was mesmerised be the sultry seductive look that Dan just couldn't help when he was turned on, Phil recognised it immediately and felt a tingle between his legs in response. His voice lower and more breathy than normal he managed to stammer out “the key... um.. I think we'd better get inside pretty quick Dan, I don't want to create a 'disturbance' right on our doorstep”.

The spell broken for the moment, Dan breathed in sharply and reluctantly released Phil, closing the short distance remaining between him and the door. He had thought he might never do this again and his hand shook a little as he slotted the key into the lock, the key turned smoothly and he stepped inside their flat. Phil was close behind him and shut the door with a thud. 

It seemed far darker than it should, the weak street light coming in through the small glass panel above the door barely made an impact. Dan's thumb brushed ineffectually across the light switch and he started to laugh. “Still no working light bulb then Phil”. Phil could have said no because he'd had other things to worry about, but it never occurred to him. He was so happy to have Dan back where he belonged. He smiled in the gloom and reached for Dan's hand as they made their way up the stairs, wanting the contact all the more for the absence he had endured. 

As they reached the lounge they glanced at it, then as if of one mind strode past and into Phil's bedroom. Dan couldn't take his eyes off Phil, he didn't think he could wait another moment, he was captured by the look on his face. His lips full and rosy, eyes big and black he looked... well he looked hungry! Dan knew that was exactly how he was looking right now too. He couldn't help notice the familiar mound in Phil's jeans and it made his heart pound twice as fast. 

An almost shy smile spread across Phil's face as he moved slowly closer to Dan keeping eye contact as he reached out and ran his hands under his t-shirt, firmly tracing the shape of his body as his hands ran over his abdomen, the familiar soft skin and slight definition of abs, soft fingers pushing the t-shirt up as they slid up to his pectorals coming to rest on Dan's chest. His thumbs moving back and forth rubbing over his nipples making them tingle, sending a jolt of pleasure as if telegraphed right to Dan's cock. Phil had moved slowly closer to him, their groins brushed very slightly together and Dan could feel Phil's warm breath on his neck.

Dan gulped hard, leaving out a deep sigh of pleasure as his eyes briefly shut. He could feel the fabric of his jeans start to pull taught against his growing erection, where he was pressed against Phil even though it was only lightly it felt like little static electricity sparks were dancing all over his cock. God he wanted Phil, right this second. 

His eyes flew open with an intense almost painful stare, “fuck Phil, I've missed you!”. His eyes roamed Phil's face and body drinking in every detail before his hands found themselves buried in the soft dark locks, clasping shut and open again as he pulled Phil's face the remaining inches towards him. He was almost embarrassed to find himself trembling against him as their lips met, Phil's hands slid around to his back, one down to his waist just above the familiar curve of his bottom and one remaining high just beneath his shoulders, holding him tight as the kiss quickly became almost fierce. 

All the longing, love and want that had been damed up inside them seemed to be flooding out. Dan's hands moved sinuously down Phil's back as he melted against him. His body was acting out of instinct with a mind of its own, his hips jerked forward rolling and grinding against Phil. A little gasp escaped Dan's already swollen kiss bruised lips as Phil returned the pressure, grinding forward maintaining the pressure and setting up a rhythmic circular thrusting motion. Their lips pressed so hard together they tingled and burned, their tongues flicking and licking over one another's lips before caressing and sliding together in a hot passionate mess.

They stumbled towards the bed, each fumbling to peel off random items of clothing, Dan shuffling off his shoes, Phil grabbing the edge of his own T-shirt and pulling it off in one swift movement. Reconnecting their lips at every opportunity Dan managed to pant out, “Are you sure you want to do this now, I'm not going anywhere, if you want to thin.....”. Phil's hand pressed against his cheek, and his lips silenced his fiancé. “No more thinking, bed now!” … “Well okay you seem pretty sure” Dan chuckled. He attempted to push Phil back on to the bed in a display of abandoned passion but managed to get tangled up in his half way down jeans and miss completely. Landing on the bed in a sprawling mess.

Phil burst out laughing, with his face flushed and eyes black with arousal it could have seemed incongruous but Dan decided he looked “fucking hot”. Phil grinning reached out and pulled Dan's jeans the last few inches required to remove them and started to kiss his way up his legs. “Don't think you are getting out of this that easily Daniel Howell”. “Believe me it's the last thing I want to get out of Philip Lester”. 

Phil's warm soft lips trailed delicate kisses up his thighs, moving inward, starting to suck a little harder here and there. His hands stroking along Dan's long legs following the trail of kisses until they overtook his lips and moved over his hips his thumbs stroking firmly back and forth just above his hip bones, in towards his belly button and back. He reached the swelling of Dan's balls already taut and firm against his lips as Phil kissed and gently squeezed them with his lips through the fabric of his boxers. Kissing along the shape of Dans hard cock to the wet patch already darkening the cloth at his tip.

Dan's legs trembled and little jerks twitched his hips up involuntarily against Phil's lips. Phil couldn't help let out a contented hum against Dan sending tingles vibrating through his cock. Phil felt fingers comb through his hair, tangling in the soft strands as Dan's hands clenched and unclenched. Phil was so overwhelmed with having Dan there with him he wanted to do everything at once, but nothing more than burying himself deep inside his boyfriend, joining them together as much as two people can be. He wasn't above teasing Dan a little first though, even though his own erection was becoming almost painful as the fabric of his jeans confined and stimulated it at the same time. 

Dan felt each kiss and caress as fires that burnt with pleasure being lit in his skin, the guilt, and the fear that he might have ruined things forever, the relief that he was with Phil now all combined with the desire he felt and made each touch feel miraculous somehow. The electricity between them was practically visible. As much as he was loving this he needed to taste Phil's lips again. 

He wanted to fuck, but he wanted to shower Phil with tender love too, and his lips wanted what they wanted. He rocked upwards, supporting himself on his elbows as Phil smiled up at him. His fingers hooked in Dan's boxers ready to peel them down. His lips were moist and pink and looked like the most delicious thing Dan had ever seen. He leant down as far as he could, sliding his fingers back through Phil's hair drawing him close before connecting their lips in the most gentle, tender kiss Phil could remember receiving. Gentle warm pressure, moving against his, lips barely parted, just a soft press of his tongue against his lower lip. Phil smiled against Dan's lips, and mouthed I love you, just as Dan breathed the same words against Phil's. For a moment they hugged tight before they became reminded of what they had been doing by the little growl of lust that escaped Phil's throat as Dan's cock popped over the edge of his boxers and tickled agains Phil's naked stomach. 

'Did you just growl?!”... 

“I couldn't help it Dan... it just came out” a naughty grin spread over Phil's face before he added “just like your cock”

“Pervert!” Dan exclaimed as he swatted Phil's arm “Jeans off, now! You are still far to dressed Lester”. He started to unbutton and unzip Phil's jeans, loving the feeling of the big hard mound his hand teased against as he drew down the zipper. He knew what to expect but always felt a thrill of excitement when he saw Phil naked. He'd seen some comments in the tags about the supposed size of Phil's dick, but if they only knew just what a beauty he had their eyes would fall out. Phil impatiently stood up to free himself of his jeans more quickly, kicking them off and commanding Dan to take off his t-shirt as he began to slide Dan's boxers down.

Smiling he parted Dan's legs and knelt between them before lowering himself so that the were face to face, cock to cock. He supported himself with one hand arm straight and braced as he took Dan's already hard cock in the other hand and guided his own to rub against it. He held them so their tips stroked against each other as he leant down connecting their lips again. Dan wasn't the least embarrassed to find himself moaning into the kiss, Phil's breath was fast and shallow against his lips and Dan could feel the little shudders that ran through his boyfriends body as he stroked himself against him. “Jesus Phil, fuck me already i'm gonna come before you get to if you're not careful”.

Phil just grinned, kissing Dan's nose he stilled for a moment, taking deep breaths to hold back the growing heat in his belly, Dan wasn't the only one who was going to come before he'd finished with him at this rate. Slowly his eyes focussed as he started to kiss his way back down' Dans body, this time the kisses were hot, and passionate leaving a trail of strawberry marks down his boyfriend’s long neck, sucking them hard into his collar bone and body. Dan's head swam, his body had started to arch, stiffening and vibrating beneath Phil's kisses, and his breathing had gone from desperate little pants to completely still. 

“Breath Dan! I'll take it slow, I just want to tease us a little more before I fuck you, I've missed this so much I don't want it to be over too quickly”. “Bastard” was all Dan could manage before Phil's tongue made contact with his over sensitised dark tip. Firm licks with a soft but pointed tongue were being showered over the swollen head. Like butterfly kisses teasing him, flickering around the sensitive rim, dancing across the reddened eye, flicking rhythmically up and down over the hyper sensitive spot where the foreskin joins the tip. 

All the time Phil cradles and gently rolled and squeezed Dan's balls, while his thumb pressed gently and rhythmically at his entrance without entering. Dan held his forearm over his eyes which were screwed up and shut tight, he was so close he couldn't speak, his breath was coming so fast and shallow now that he felt he was hyperventilating. Phil noticed only just in time that Dan's face was screwed up in concentration he looked almost in pain, and his whole body had gone rigid and bowed again and started to tremble. He stopped what he was doing immediately, whispering “sorry love, I got carried away”. Dan just made a noise, it sounded something like hmff. Phil knew he was trying to calm himself, struggling to pull himself back from the edge, Phil knew he wanted to come with him inside him especially this time, it was special for both of them. 

Dan's eyes opened, he was red and breathing hard, his dick twitched rhythmically and pre cum was pooling on his belly beneath it. He looked at Phil kneeling between his legs but rocked back onto his heels, Jesus his dick looked even bigger from that angle. He was smiling at Dan and stroking himself slowly, just waiting for him to calm down enough so he could fuck him. It was a beautiful sight the fine dark line of hair trickling down his pale skin from his belly button to pool in a tight cropped deep brown frame around that magnificent cock he loved so much. He loved the way Phil's pubic hair was a little paler than that on his head, it was nearer his natural colour. Dan loved that only he got to see it.

Phil moved forward his cock nestled against Dan's entrance, slick with pre cum he could feel Dan twitching against him as if it needed him inside. He leant forward to capture the lips of the flushed, hot sweaty man beneath him, God he tasted good. Their mouths open and hot, their tongues entwined and their bodies shuddering already. As they kissed Phil began to make tiny thrusting motions teasing against Dan's hole. One hand stroked over Dan's hip bones and found the slick of warm pre cum pooled around his belly button and rubbed his fingers through it. They were slippery and wet just what he wanted as he moved his hand between Dan's legs and rubber the silky fluid around his entrance and over his own cock. His wet middle finger was slipped into the little pulsing ring of muscle and Dan gasped against his lips as he slowly finger fucked him. 

Dan's hands clutched at Phil making little crescent shaped indentations in the pale skin of his back. Slowly one hand slid into sweat damped hair, the other to his butt his hand clenching and squeezing the muscle. He pulled Phil's head back and to the side a little and fastened his lips on his neck almost with the ferocity of a vampire, he sucked and kissed the skin until it bruised, licking over it before moving to another spot Phil's hot salty skin was like a drug, he almost felt as if he could really bite into him, he could feel his pulse hammering against his lips. He kissed and sucked another deep bruise into the pale skin, Phil moaned louder than before and slid his finger out. 

“Fuck me Phil, I can't take any more teasing, I don't care if it hurts just get inside me”

Phil didn't need to be asked twice, they were both too far gone to hold back any longer and he thrust against Dan, despite Dan's claim that he didn't care if it hurt Phil knew he was bigger than average and took it gently at first. The effort of not ramming straight in was immense, he slowly pushed himself inside and held himself there, deep inside Dan for a moment so he could adjust before lust took over and their hips started to rock together. Their eyes locked, but unfocussed with the desire that washed over them.

Dan's head pushed back into the bed arching his neck, his breath coming in little pants, while his hands stroked up and down Phil's long smooth back. He let out a deep ragged breaths with each thrust. God he loved this man. He let out a deep breath and reconnected their lips, his long legs wrapped around Phil's thighs, cradling him with arms, and legs as he flipped them over. Phil gave a surprised “hmff” as his back hit the mattress, “ow” he laughed. Dan grinned down at him as he started to ride Phil's beautiful cock. Phil gulped as his eyes traveled over the sight in front of him. Dans long tanned body straddling him, his thighs taught and his cock hard, dribbling and thrusting into the air as he rocked up and down. Phil could see his own cock stretching Dan, his long length appearing then disappearing back into his boyfriend. His mouth fell open, and another groan tore from him as his hips jerked up meeting Dan's movements. 

His hand reached out and started to stroke Dan, a little grunt fell from his mouth as he felt Phil's hand start to wank him. Both of them were so close their rhythm was falling apart and they jerked and trembled against each other. 

Dan leant forward, taking both Phil's hands in his and stretching them above his head pinning him to the bed as he started to ride him harder and faster, the movements jerky but managing pick up the rhythm for the moment. Little noises of pleasure filled the room with every thrust, their breathing loud and broken. Dan's hands tightened, as Phil pushed up hard into him, holding him there, raised up by force of the thrust. “Dan.. I'mm..” … “Me too!”. The heat lashed through them, coiling and searing as they released together. Phil's cock throbbed and jerked inside, Dan could feel every twitch, as he pulsed and contracted hard around Phil the world was white, the world was cherry again as he came hard groaning and panting against Phil's neck.

For what seemed like a long time they lay without moving. Each aware of the others breathless gasps and the pounding of the others heart as their ribcages shuddered with every beat.

Dan was the first to move, he reached out to the box of tissues next to the bed, and lazily grabbed a handful with the minimum amount of physical effort he could get away with. Passing half to Phil, they both began a slow clumsy clean up, Dan wincing slightly as Phil withdrew and he became aware of a slight burn where he started to clench closed. Once they were satisfied with their sleepy mop up effort they lay next to each other, arms thrown over one another and contented smiles on their faces. Not wanting to take their eyes from each other for a moment as they slowly drifted to sleep. 

They still had a lot of trust to rebuild, and a lot of talking and planning to do but if anyone could do it they could.


End file.
